Join Me On A Journey Of Self Discovery

I wonder if the women of generations past felt like the women of today.  Did they know who they were?  Did they know what they wanted?  Unlike our generation they didn't have the option to start life over when the children were grown.  There are many  things that can stop me and women like me from reaching out and fulfilling our dreams.  It's hard to step out of our comfort zone and into the unknown.  Sometimes there are financial reasons.  Maybe she has no one to encourage her to try her hand at something new.  Maybe she wants to make a change but has no idea where to start.  That's me.  I didn't know where to start so I started here.  I'm sharing my thoughts with any one that wants to go with me on a journey of self discovery.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

I started reading this great book today.  A Garden in Paris by Stephanie Grace Whitson.  I was blown away by the first couple of pages because it parallels my life these days.  I'm not married to a rich man and I have have never been in love with a man from France but for the past year I've been writing a book about a fifty six  year old widow that has always lived her life with and for her family.  Now she's ready to start life anew.  She moves to France and discovers who she really is and what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
To quote George Eliot "It is never too late to be what you might have been."

I watched a great show last night on TV.  It's called Hot In Cleveland.  It's about three middle aged women from LA.   One of them wrote a book about a list of two hundred twenty two things a woman should do before she dies.  On the list was cash in your air miles and go on a trip to Paris with two of your best friends.  If you read my blogs you will know I love Paris.  Their plane has trouble so they have to land in Cleveland.  Being hungry they go looking for a bar & grill and upon entering one they notice the men are looking at them.  Being from LA where if you're a woman over the age of twenty one you're considered old and the men don't give you a second look they were very flattered.  The show goes on with jokes about being a middle aged woman and the man/woman relationship at that age.  I very much enjoyed the show and I recomend it for a good laugh. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things I would like to do.  I have two lists.  One is a list of things I would do if money were no object and the other one is more realistic.  Due to recent financial setbacks I don't know when I'll be able to do any thing on my list but I'll be ready if I ever get the chance.
If money wasn't an object I would:
Take a trip on the Orient Express
Buy an apartment in Paris
Help people anonymously when ever I saw a need.
Realistically I would like to:
Rent a house on the beach for a week
Take an overnight train trip
See the giant Red Wood trees
Travel
Take my grandchildren to Disney world
Open a gift shop

What I have to learn is how to be myself.  But sad to say I don't know who I am.  I was raised to be a daughter that pleased her parents and then a wife and mother that did whatever she could to please her husband and children.  So I've never been encouraged to be "me" and I don't really know how to do that.

I want to be free like that but where and how do I start?  It seems like it would be easier if I could move away where no one knows me. Then when someone meant me it wouldn't matter if my hair was long and gray.  It wouldn't matter what I weighed or what I wore.  They wouldn't have any preconceived notion of how I "should" look because they have never seen me before.

I want to learn to like myself as I am.  Gray hair, wrinkles, extra weight around the middle.  I know none of that matters.  It's all superficial.  It's just hard to let go when that's all you've ever known.  I have such admiration for my daughter and my daughter-in-law.  They don't wear makeup or worry about their hair.  They don't care if their clothes are the latest style.  They have the self confidence that I want.  They're free spirited and live each day as it comes.

I've always been a very quite, reserved person, never wanting to draw attention to myself.  But lately I've been thinking a lot about how freeing it would be to just let go.  To laugh out loud, to let my hair grow long even though it's gray.  To put on a bathing suit and go to the beach and not care if I have cellulite and a tummy.
Why is it so hard for women to let go of their youth.  I guess in this society we are told from the time we are born how pretty we are and you learn quickly the cuter you are the more attention you get.  As we age we work hard at staying that way.  We spend fortunes and hours and hours on our hair and makeup.  We cringe if we gain a pound.  An approving look from a man or even another woman makes you feel good about yourself.  As you get older those approving looks get fewer and far apart yet you still crave that feeling.

Living Life At 57

As I sit here staring at the cursor blinking on the computer screen I'm trying to decide  how I want to write this blog.
I've come to the stage in my life where I want to make a change.  A big change!  I figure I'm reaching the finish line and I want to enjoy the time I have left.  I mean I want to really live the rest of my life to the fullest extent!